Monthly Archives: January 2011

like the corner of my mind

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Today while catching up on all the blogs I’m behind on, I popped over to Mr. Condescending’s blog where I am usually bombarded with sarcasm, mean wit and or course condescension. I did not get this today. I got an interesting tale of love and the loss of his estranged grandmother. I have been pondering this all day. I usually have some sarcastic humor or some sort of post where I am ranting about whatever. To be sure I have some of those started, but not for tonight.

My own grandmother sits in Florida (okay to be fair sits is probably pushing it, lies painfully is probably a better way to say it) awaiting the direction the next butcher,I mean doctor will take her. I would not call us estranged, but we’ve not been the closest. She and I had our moments this past summer and I’m at peace with that. As I read Mr C’s blog I felt his pain. I’m good at the empathy. But a smile came because I knew that I wouldn’t struggle with that same thing. I may be distant from a few that I love, but never so far that they are beyond my reach.  I keep my friends and family close to my heart.

I was fortunate enough to be around for my Grandfather and my other Grandmother passing along. Both gave me thing I carry to this day… the ability to play blackjack, a penchant for men that work with their hands, the best pie dough ever (that was my grandfather) and southern fried chicken to die for. And both taught me the value of life and caring for others above yourself… keep your friends close to your heart. I have always had this mantra, of sorts, and over the past 18 months I have found it to ring true… When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize, my friends are my energy. It is those we love that sustain us, keep us up when we are so low we feel the heat from the earths core singeing our toes. Keep them close and when you fear you are losing your grip… hold tighter. They will fill you with energy, remind you of beautiful things, and when its your turn… remember

not a resolution

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Sitting at the pub while the man read the paper, I wrote what I thought was a decent post for today. I actually put it down on real paper with a pen and everything. But as is par, on my way home I got sidetracked. When I turned on the car and headed back, it took a few to realize there were no sounds coming out. I was deep in thought about a friend of mine and the bull shit she is being forced to deal with right now. So I turned up the volume…

“Just don’t waste all your years
Believing in the fear
You’ll choke out what’s alive and make
What’s wrong be all that’s real


I can see you’re weakened at the seams
And trying to swim upstream but can’t find a way”

It didn’t actually take the whole verse for me to know the song. Hell it didn’t even take more than a couple words. My friends face was flooding tears to my eyes because the whole song was in my head. I had to re start the song.

“…


I’m sure you’ll learn to dance and drink and dream
But you might still feel lost


And I see myself in you my friend
But I would break where you would bend
I’m calling on what you defend and tonight I won’t hold back”


This song has significant meaning to me and honestly got me through some darkness. But hearing it now, all I could think of was my friend and her life. I could see her over the last few months and how the fear and stress has built upon itself layer by layer. I see her fighting in a constant swim upstream to keep what’s most important to her. I thought of how hard she works to prove to some douchenozzle what the rest of us already see, how he fights her and threatens her and uses fear as a tool to manipulate her. Fear is a powerful tool.

“Just don’t waste all your years
Believing in the fear
You’ll choke out what’s alive and make
What’s wrong be all that’s real


I can see you’re weakened at the seams
And trying to swim upstream but can’t find a way


So here we are again trying to hold back
The tides behind our eyes
Lucky ones trying to drink from both the wells we claim are dry
I guess I’ve found some freedom in
Embracing every time they pry


We’re both the same
You’re just like me”

The tears are rolling as I’m trying to sing along, and hit the back button again. I was reminded that I’ve been in this place, I’ve swam in this stream. I’ve been consumed by this fear and it’s sickening. For a moment I felt her pain and was crippled. I was in that moment and remembered my own fear. For a moment we were both the same.

“And when your skin finally sheds
You’ll find your nerves all in shreds
The price may be to keep your heart you’ll lose your head”

For me it took the physical act of shaving my head to keep my heart, to lose my fear (or some of it anyway) and lose my head or analyze less (ain’t gonna lie – not a lot less but I’m trying). I needed the reminded that I did this… I went through the work so that my skin could be shed. I made it out of the stream in one piece. I’m not sure what will happen to my friend. I am not sure of how things will turn out. She is barely at the river’s mouth and there are bears waiting in the water to catch her. What I am sure of is that she is not alone. No one should ever be alone doing battle with people that have evil inside. I know that she is loved and I have bear traps.

Oh, the song is The Odds by the band The Loved Ones…

a new year

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my fingers are slurring their words. There have been drinks and sleepless nights and friends in need and drives from one end of the state to the other. Nothing matters except the present moment. Live each present moment wisely and earnestly… That has been my motto for the last 6 or more years.

with music in the back ground is often how I get ideas to start what becomes a thoughtful or rantish post…. whatever the case may be. We all have our favorites, don’t lie, I hear the Eric Carmen blaring from the back bedroom. (turn the radio up for that sweet sound…) And you with the hairbrush, you are not ze greatest singer in ze vorld and neither is celine…

The last week U2 has been non stop on the mindpod. (You know where I’m going with this don’t you?) I am not a fan of the whole Pop-Mart era and I have friends who stopped listening after Rattle and Hum, but there was a bit of redemption with Elevation so I continue to listen. But the classics remain my favorites. Thus a song that was written almost 30 years ago for a new wife while on a vacay in the Caribbean that became an anthem for not only the reunification of Ireland (a constant theme) but for the Polish Solidarity movement as well, is coursing through my mind… my veins.

All is quiet on New Year’s Day.
A world in white gets underway.
I want to be with you, be with you night and day.
Nothing changes on New Year’s Day.
On New Year’s Day.

I prefer it to be a love song and thing that the New Year will start with just that… love. The only thing that will make the any other meaning real, is just that… love.