Monthly Archives: November 2011

a really bad poem that means well

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laughs and ((hugs)) hell maybe even some drugs
that’s what my bitches could be made of…

margaritas, potato juice, whiskey and gin
oh that’s what my bitches are pickled in…
(well there’s the one who likes latte’s but her liver’s already in)

babies and men (when they show or behave), shoes and the pen
that’s much of my bitches days are made of

bedazzled shivs, cakes with shanks and matching sequined shorts & tanks
that’s what my bitches make a fight of

funny and strong, wounded and healed, fierce, scarred and talented
that’s for sure what my bitches are…

well, there was this one from nantucket… but, we shived her and threw her in the river.

thanks for makin my day bitches… jazz hands!

 

[youtube]http://youtu.be/rp6cOgmY234[/youtube]

my head will no longer fit through the door

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Well to quote my grandma… Shit on a fuckin shingle! (I’m partial to Christ on a fuckin Cracker but that was George Carlin and well.. I don’t know him so there ya have it.) I have been awarded, and ya know it makes a craptastic week feel pretty damn good.

My loverly Becca (with her very own shiny new domain in case you didn’t know…mmm yes, just follow my link and update your shit accordingly) has given me a

“Versatile Blogger” award.

I am not so sure I am all that versatile since usually I write about myself or things I see but, try and take it back and I will cut you. All that being vomited I will start with a THANK YOU!!!! then on to our festivities (I hope you are all appropriately dressed, or at least wearing decent shoes.) While I stumbled upon Becca through one of her comments elsewhere, it wasn’t her snarky awesome biting humor that caught my attention,what inspired me was her ability to be powerful by finding just the right way to start some of her thoughts… and of course her ability to alliterate. Sometimes, a memory can hit you like a shit brick house but you need it at that moment. It only takes one person’s words to make you realize your pent up shit needs to be unleashed, and just maybe it will sound as beautiful.I was floored that she didn’t have a world of followers and was super stoked to be one of the first and even more proud to be a part of the inner circle… dude, she is totally my cuz or sister, maybe I am the milkman’s kid after all! I really think I may have some misplaced korean in my history because its bizarre.

So on to me: What are 5 things you don’t know… sheeeiiit, other than my actual real name there isn’t much.

1. I don’t own an ‘i’ anything. I don’t even use iTunes.
2. My best friend is a dude. I have tried to have chic best friends but they start callin me bestie and that smushie shit, so I stick to dudes. And no he is not my fuck buddy, we do not date, nor will we.
3. The sound of people chewing grosses me out in a way I cannot properly describe.
4. I live where most people vacation but would be perfectly happy in a log cabin by a lake somewhere.
5. For every blog I post there is at least one I didn’t.

Now that we are done with that shit, let the games begin! I get to give head awards!! YAY! I decided I’m gonna try and go outside the comfort zone as I speak of things not for the weak of heart, why the fuck would I read their shit… So in no particular order, here you have it:

Spence at Siren Voices… While I don’t comment often, I do read as often as I can. I’m not even sure he knows of me, but I don’t care… He is an amazing writer. His is not so much a humor (or humour as her would write) blog but by way of versatility, where ya gonna find it if not on an ambulance??? Try. He maintains the dignity of his patients and even though on occasion I cry, I laugh too. He is always worth the read.

Brooke Farmer. She is funny, amazing spirited and has overcome a fuckload more than my wimpy ass could ever think up… So she is rad and you should check her out.

Haylah Mae is fucking awesome. She tells it straight and could give The Wagster a run for his euros. She rules, read her or she’ll spike you with a leather cuff.

The Mad-Man Oh Steve… I think you should read his shit with a bucket of bleach water handy, your eyes will need it. Then, just form your own mad thoughts.. and send him some canned pears from me.

Da Cheese Blarg. I think I am in awe of this woman, and her ability to turn everything into a picture. She is the only person other than ms Portlandia that can give my love of bacon a fun for its money. Oh and she draws Narwahls and Llamas! What’s not to love!!!

There are a couple others who I’d have gladly given this to, but they’ve gotten it already so I am sharing the love with other peeps.  And now its your turn… Be excellent to each other and for fucksake wear nice shoes when presenting!

Here’s the rules…
1. Compose a short bit about the person who awarded you the award.
2. Write a list for your readers detailing things about yourself they don’t know.
3. Pass the love forward to five bloggers that you feel deserve to receive it too.

Again, thanks Bec.

I’m Pretty Sure That it’s Fucksox Friday

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Did you know there is an actual thing called a whirly-gig? yeah… its that wooden thing they stake into your lawn that has hands or feet or something that “whirl” around…. I myself thought I was a whirly-gig but it turns out I was in fact wrong.

So for this Fucksox Friday I take my cue from her Snarkness, and instead of waxing on and on about whatever.

sooo I’m pretty sure that,

…Ben Franklin was right and beer is proof that god wants us to be happy.

…no one should ever be able to wear Hypercolor again. PERIOD.

…if what doesn’t kill is supposed to make us stronger – my neighbor deserves a bigger set of biceps and a rockhard fucking ass.

…you shouldn’t walk around lookin like a whore on holloween, with your child in tow… save that shit for the adult party.

…my boss has no idea whatsoever. none. I am so overqualified that in about a week I could make her obsolete.

…love is love no matter who is giving and who is receiving. It’s sad that a piece of paper has become so fucking important.

…living in a small ass college town for the last 18 years has caused me to look at women differently and pretty much think that all of them are whoores between the age of 18 and 22.

…living in a small ass college town for the last 18 years has caused me to look at men differently and pretty much think that all of them are whoores between the age of 28 and 42.

…I hate the color yellow.

…if I hadn’t been so frightened as a child by so many bad things I would be a complete stoner.

…Bret Michaels should not be allowed anywhere near a microphone. Ever.

…I married satan’s spawn when I was 20. He left scars that still open at the most inopportune times 12 years after we got divorced.

…if I didn’t have those scars, I’d probably be an ugly person.

…fuckin Chuck Norris is a gangster and could take out Steven Segal any day.

…that I have been very recently influenced, loved and cared for by some amazing women (and men) I have never met and it has reminded me that we as humans are really basically good and become bad through our own choices.

…my cell phone has retarded me, as have calculators and computers… really. Do you know all your family member’s phone number’s by heart or have them written on paper??? that’s what I thought.

…I would love a shot of Jameson right now but also sure it would be a bad idea.

…that I have not had a mindPod shuffle the entire time I’ve been writing this list.

…Clowns are fucking SCARY!!!!!!!!!!

…there are some things you can never unsee: your parents fucking, your grandparents fucking, scatporn, the cross fucking scene from the Exorcist, some of the crap on awkward family photos and Human Centepede.

…the Abe Lincoln is the best type of beard. (I’ll shank you over this)

…Sushi, should be Japanese, Thai food should be um Thai and Chinese food should not contain msg.

…I love TOOL and think Maynard is a genius but do not want to have his babies, lick his shoes or any of the other ridiculous things I have seen people offer just to meet him. He’s a human, talented, but human. whatever.

…my mindPod smells like teen spirit.

…I love all kinds of music but cringe when Lynerd Sknyrd comes on.

…you should not get married because you are knocked up. Even if her/your dad threatens you. It rarely works.

…there is love at first sight, sometimes the least likely couples actually have it figured out.

…you man can never be too good looking, your drink can never be too strong and you can NEVER have too many shoes.

…

singing man

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This week, well the last two, have been about as much as I can take on this ride. But its fortunate I have a vast collection of music to shuffle through my mindPod (and actual shite too if you must know… between the collections is about two solid months of non stop tuneage) and I happened to land on Austin Lucas. Ahhh Austin Lucas. Not a well known musician, though he should be. And today, he is my hero. His style may not be for all but he was exactly what I needed. Most specifically his song Singing Man.

The past few weeks have been that of feeling weak and inadequate. Regardless  of what anyone said or did I wasn’t going to get it. That is the nature of the little car that whirrs me round. But when its quiet and I can’t hear anything I tap my dbase of songs and here it is… Austin Lucas. So today was my dad’s birthday (dude! 69 – he’s gonna throw that around all year because he’s dirty… GROSS!). I hate family events for more reasons than I can tell you today but the short version is because my sister somehow  – with her super powers (do you get those during child birth? if so I may have to rethink shit) – flip-floped me in the line of birth order and is now the oldest instead of youngest and has a complete vulcan mind-meld hold over my mother. I think its because she is married and has a child and I myself have neither, in fact I do not want child and I am divorced, thus I am broken. so there’s that… So I couldn’t go. I just couldn’t. I know I disappointed my bro, and I hate that. But to be fair I was unwell on Sunday but, it was made all the worse by my anxiety. I felt well…. weak and small and like I mattered little. My solution was to say hey, I’ll come over on his actual birthday! So the last three days I kept hearing the words…

‘I had followed her on
Until breathlessly she said
Here’s my hand, won’t you take it, won’t you?
Oh
You are not weak
And not small
In my eyes you are mighty’

I realized its only in my own eyes that I am weak and small. I may not be the singin man but I cause my own shit storm sometimes. I need to realize she is the youngest, I am the oldest, I am not weak and not small but rather a person who is mighty…

 

this is just him which to me is more pure, because if you are struggling within – you don’t hear harmony. I sing and I don’t hear harmony. Though the link above has the harmony’s with the female voice (who I’m ashamed to say I don’t know).

[youtube]http://youtu.be/F41Ddw1Czuw[/youtube]

 

Thanks Austin, needed you this week and thanks for the tweet…

 

WoW: Exercise 22 – Select a piece of music that reflects the mood of writing you’d like to aim for. Press play. Start free writing. Write the first words that come into your head. When the music’s over, so is the writing. I’d recommend finding out how long the song is before you start the exercise. You may feel cheated in your writing time if you pick a song by The Ramones. Of course, if you feel like writing a short, punky piece by all means, go for it!