Monthly Archives: December 2011

I peed a little

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Holy gus….

I honestly don’t care what you do this weekend (okay maybe a little, but not the point) or if you need a laugh this holiday season.. if you need something to save you from all the family shit… all you have to do is spend a whopping $5 to buy the new Louis C.K.

motherfucking christ on a motherfuckin cheezit….

In case you were at all wondering (if you have to ask I question you in many ways.)… not for children or even most adults… but if you read this you are probably safe… Holy fuck dood.

Stomach hurts laughing hard….. piddled

One more thing, he took the power back, he’s doin it all on his own that’s why its only five bucks… so buy it: https://buy.louisck.net/

bluffing…

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You are overwhelmed, tired, feeling like the walls are closing in and all you want to do is go… go for a drive and have time to think… Listen to music, angry, soft, loud, emotive, piercing, any music to calm the mindPod… but no. Your keys are in your hand. Your tank is full (well, sorta, you never can tell since you tend to run out when the gauge reads in the neighborhood of half tank), you have a little cash for snacks and a plan, or rather non-plan, but that is the plan, but no. None of it matters, you are fucking stuck. You can’t just go. Can’t go to your favorite breakfast place to read a book and people watch. Can’t just drive and sing loudly to the same song over and over because it is what you feel right that moment. Can’t spend the day hiking along the bluffs or go kidnap your best friend to get lunch somewhere he’s never been.You no longer have that option.

Sometimes its just like that…. you sit. With your head in your hands. You sit with your head in your hands because no matter how many reasons you can find to blame someone else, the choice that brought you to this place was yours. You put yourself on this stoop with your keys in your hand next to a vehicle that is completely unsafe to take more than 15 miles without AAA and telling everyone you care for where you’re going and which route you’re taking. You made a poor choice and it was not the first time, its just visible to more people than the rest have been.

Sometimes its just like that… the ripples in your pond- the decisions you’ve made, those choices you have found ways to put band-aids on and share blame with others; or pawn off on them completely, or better yet, decisions you’ve chosen to ignore all together…. those are making the ripples in your pond. They have started to clash into each other and make bigger ripples and even waves at this point. So much so that you can’t ignore the ripples and you can see those fucking waves from your stoop. The truth is reflecting back in a way that is certainly not as pretty as it was from the glassy pond…. but reality, you threw those fucking rocks, help or no, they left your hands before hitting the water. River rocks, giant stones, small pebbles, chunks of concrete, tar from the road… they all came from you and you have to feel the effect. You are responsible for the fact that all water sports have been suspended until further notice.

It’s time to to calm the water and bring it back to a glassy pond. Time to find the bluff that lets you look down at your reflection and forgive yourself because try as hard as you like… you can’t jump in and pull out what you threw in. You can’t undo the past. You can only forgive yourself and realize it will take work to calm the waters, to trust yourself to hold a skipping stone. It will take time to find the calm and face your reflection once more.

Sometimes… its like that… you must climb to the top of the bluff to find forgiveness. It is difficult and steep.  It’s taken a long time to even get here… you’ve stopped a few times (even threw another pebble or two). But you are here now. The top of the bluff is within your reach. When you get there and see your reflection clear from the peace forgiveness brings, bring back the water sports… jump off the bluff on a sunny day, into the glassy water and make a new kind of ripple.

whatmas?

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So in browsing my comments, and all the other comments and shit I’m struggling to keep up with now that I follow so freakin many blogs, I saw a comment on “Monday Listicles”. I, being the mature woman that I am, did laugh and say ‘ppffftt….listicles….ha!” Wait, that must’ve someone else. ; ) No, I checked out what peeps were commenting on and there ya have it. Every Monday, new list. Sounds fun to me since copying conversations is difficult for me and the ones that can be safely shown to ye of puritanical mind you bitches are pretty much twitfodder. Anyhow, I decided what the hell… So I hop on over to where it all starts and think to myself… aw shit…. Well I picked a fanfuckingtastic week to start…

This week: the 10 things I hope for this christmas. Wow… This may prove a lofty task, seein’ as I don’t give much credence to the whole magic babies gettin yanked out a hoo-ha that’s never even had a bob or a well.. whatever, to give ‘er a lil stretch theory. Then this magic baby came out all perfect (of course) and and glowing and didn’t get tetnus or mad cow or whooping cough or even the croup from sleeping in a nasty food trough with half eaten hay for padding…. Oh, in musty shit filled, stank ass barn. And bythe-by who gives babies gold and perfume… on a camel? Those fuckers spit. Anyhow… Then there’s the super-stealth-ultrasonic-be-everywhere-at-once red rocket-sled that can haul a metric shit tons of toy and a giant fat dude packin enough alice-in-wonderland potion to get him in and out of every house in the world (chimney or not) with a kid in it……… I’m thinkin this could be tough for anyone, (that’s gotta burn some fierce calories!) but really? morbidly obese super hairy dude? with little people as his only help? (I know you’re thinkin it, its okay but be nice).

I think my aversion started mostly because every year my mom and sister ask me for a list. My sister usually asks me sometime in October because hers is ready and nothing on it is priced for adult sibling gift exchanging. Its usually made up of shit you should buy for yourself when you are an adult in your thirties, with a family and two stable incomes… but you know… gotta have priorities people. Oh! Its to make sure I know how much my doodle’s shit (I say shit because how many 3Ds’ does 1 child need?!?) is gonna cost… so you know I can get him a gift certificate to the proper giant chain store. And every year they get the same list from me: please, I don’t need anything. If you must have a list, I’d like to get together for Sunday for brunch. (I love a good eggs bene) It doesn’t go over well, but I don’t really care anymore. So to come up with my own list. I had to do some tweeking… But without further adieu here is my version of a 10 things I hope for this christmas list:

10 this I hope for in the Winter Solstice Season:

1. That I will actually get to spend time in the mountains this season and enjoy some of the amazing things you can only see when surrounded by a sea of white snow and the smell of fire places.
2. That the friendships I have made via the interwebs will continue and we will encourage each other to become better writers.
3. That I will improve myself as a human in a way that is marked and noticeable to others and not just myself…. Not because I seek attention or praise, but because I made a difference somehow or to someone.
4. That my brother will find someone… to share his music with.
5. That my my little pink car will slow the fuck down and allow me to rest (and that my blingy rose colored glasses will be found).
6. That I will learn to forgive myself for the bad decisions of the past, so the rippling can calm and I can find a still place to start changing the course from here.
7. That those I love and care for will know that unconditionally is the only way I know how… and that even if its been a while, still holds true.
8. That I treat others as I want to be treated and remember that it is my job to be the human I want others to be.
9. That my best friend will find a place of peace, if only for a moment… so he can know what that’s like and build from that place.
10. and of course…… to improve my shoe collection…

I probably won’t post this over on the “Listicles” but maybe next time the list will be a little more non-snarkster mom friendly.

[youtube]http://youtu.be/XW-6jKuHE1M[/youtube]

stuff, things, thanks and an apple

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image

I have so much pent up shit in my head that I hardly know where to start. Well, I will start with an apology for the length that will surely be a bit longer than usual or what I’d prefer. But that’s what hapens when well… shit happens. So I will try to temper the bad with the good and keep the ranting to a minimum…

First it is Friday and I must thank Paula… Fuck You Friday‘s are the shit! Her decision to give that outlet was a brilliant gus send. I will give you a gift when I meet you someday and you can use it to intimidate the purple house from afar… then blame me! ha! I willingly accept and will write nasty letters for days. (you’ve seen my work, unleash my fury, and I owe you a pic that will make you feel better, promise)

Admittedly this week has been shit, rolled in grass and left in the sun. Okay maybe not quite that bad but you get the idea. I got kicked it the kidneys by the tax man, kneed in the face by my management, and treated with disrespect by so many that its really not funny. So much so that my anxiety kicked into high gear and I picked a fight with the man. Now we have different styles of communicating, but we are good for each other. Well, most times. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I… well I had a meltdown and pretty much just made what could have been a simple conversation about consideration, an awful arguement that never needed to be. Now granted I (in my humble and er um correct opinion) was valid, but my method was shit and lacked consideration for him (wait.. me a hypocrite, nooooo…. must have been that other sars, I would never). And as I sat thinking about it and having my best girl call me out on my bull shit (mostly pertaining to arguements with the man, not work, but really it somewhat equates to the same shit) I realize how very lucky I am.

I realized what the geeks sorta hid from the rest of us – And why they sorta hid, they were fuckin busy with less than 256k sometimes, trying to carry on multiple conversations… All these years by having friendships online. Oh, if you don’t remember 256 because you are too young to be reading this and most of the blogs linked to it… think of 256 being an old vw bug against the broadband you are used to and that would be a M5. Yeah, that shit couldn’t get out of its own way. We may have been (or are) friends with them, but the better part of us, my rough guess is 95%, don’t know about all the “chans” and “reddits” and what “digg” is or what “stumble” -was its shit now- for. And that real friendships, that have lasted years or even decades, have been formed over cyberspace and still remain.

I now understand all this. I have made my twit-a-shiv-aho nation (we will shiv you if you even fuck with us) and friends from the interwebs via this blogisphere from all over the world. Some of us will never meet but there is a bond. We care when there is family loss or bullshit or medical crap or job loss or everyday saddness just because life is some shit right then. I am certain some of us will stop writing when the need is no longer there, some of us may become actual published writers, but some of this new little circle of mine will grow as friends, real friends. I am thankful. Its these friends that have kept me laughing through some dark days. However… it wasn’t all this squishy, gushy shit that made me realize that regardless of what I was feeling this week, theanxiety, the ache, disrespect from work, lack of consideration from so many, and we haven’t even started on the fam sitch…I have so very much to be thankful for and bottom line, it’s up to me (as usual) to get the Fuck over it! People can be shitty, so, that is on them.

What actually reminded me of this was the owner of my company (crazy fuckin kiwi) passing around ‘The Giving Tree’ in order to convince oeople not to have babies. (huh??) Well first, I fucking love this book and it would never convince me not to have children, no book could do that… my childhood and wr-ex husband did that just fine thankuverymuch. I love it enough that I gave this book to my nephew when he was merely weeks old and read it too him all the time. He still calls it his special book. I’ve also given it to my brother when he was in a dark time. This book is a reminder of so much more than how much you get when you give. And today it served to remind me I need to remember why I am here and there is more to life than the self centered glass we look through everyday. We need to listen, and give to others in the way we want to be heard and given to. Funny, this book reminded me of words my love spoke to me that in the moment I took as hurtful and even mean. They are not, they are how we should treat one another. A little book a subsiquent chat with my best girl reminded me of just that…

So here it is, better late than never. No bull shit, no poems, no fucking around… I am thankful, really fucking thankful.