art class

I’m a very bad liar. Ask anyone I’ve tried to lie to and they’ll tell you. That’s probably why I make it my practice to be honest, even if it hurts. I have this rule that I’d rather hurt a little (sometimes a little more) now from the truth, than a lot later because I was lied to. For me lying can include omission and secrecy. I do realize there are exceptions to every rule and sometimes we keep secrets to protect others from unnecessary hurt. I don’t need to hear stuff that doesn’t concern me and will only cause me anxiety. I’m really good at worrying… about everything… including those things I shouldn’t. But we are all products of the past that shapes us. Be it the divorce of our parents that caused us to be fearful of commitment, or the breakup that made us bitter or even the amazing love we once shared with someone that just wasn’t timed correctly, we are molded into who we are by these events. I think if I add up the events of my past that I fear reoccurring and throw in a healthy dose of Freud (oh yeah, he’s in there too, in spite of all I did to insure the contrary) I get an accurate sculpture of myself. It is not easy to look at and I keep the white sheet over it when others are nearby. I can see every nick and mark where time and pain have caused imperfections. So I hide them. The last thing I want is others to see, is the flaws and their origins, right? But that isn’t how it should be. We are scarred and flawed beings, all of us… some of us in ways immediately recognizable, some not. I am scarred and flawed, though not in easily apparent ways. I bear the markings of many hurts that I’ve never shared and may never share. But they make up a small part of the whole. My heart is big and full of love. The scars just make it stronger. Still, I need to move forward daily. I need to pull the sheet back and let the sun shine on the dark parts to wither them away to nothing. The past only recurs if I let it. I can’t hide the past and the parts of it that frighten me. I can’t hide from the man who cares for me despite the times I fear recurrence, though he has given me no cause to fear. The anxiety is from within. So I guess its good I have more clay and keep close to a window.