bluffing…

You are overwhelmed, tired, feeling like the walls are closing in and all you want to do is go… go for a drive and have time to think… Listen to music, angry, soft, loud, emotive, piercing, any music to calm the mindPod… but no. Your keys are in your hand. Your tank is full (well, sorta, you never can tell since you tend to run out when the gauge reads in the neighborhood of half tank), you have a little cash for snacks and a plan, or rather non-plan, but that is the plan, but no. None of it matters, you are fucking stuck. You can’t just go. Can’t go to your favorite breakfast place to read a book and people watch. Can’t just drive and sing loudly to the same song over and over because it is what you feel right that moment. Can’t spend the day hiking along the bluffs or go kidnap your best friend to get lunch somewhere he’s never been.You no longer have that option.

Sometimes its just like that…. you sit. With your head in your hands. You sit with your head in your hands because no matter how many reasons you can find to blame someone else, the choice that brought you to this place was yours. You put yourself on this stoop with your keys in your hand next to a vehicle that is completely unsafe to take more than 15 miles without AAA and telling everyone you care for where you’re going and which route you’re taking. You made a poor choice and it was not the first time, its just visible to more people than the rest have been.

Sometimes its just like that… the ripples in your pond- the decisions you’ve made, those choices you have found ways to put band-aids on and share blame with others; or pawn off on them completely, or better yet, decisions you’ve chosen to ignore all together…. those are making the ripples in your pond. They have started to clash into each other and make bigger ripples and even waves at this point. So much so that you can’t ignore the ripples and you can see those fucking waves from your stoop. The truth is reflecting back in a way that is certainly not as pretty as it was from the glassy pond…. but reality, you threw those fucking rocks, help or no, they left your hands before hitting the water. River rocks, giant stones, small pebbles, chunks of concrete, tar from the road… they all came from you and you have to feel the effect. You are responsible for the fact that all water sports have been suspended until further notice.

It’s time to to calm the water and bring it back to a glassy pond. Time to find the bluff that lets you look down at your reflection and forgive yourself because try as hard as you like… you can’t jump in and pull out what you threw in. You can’t undo the past. You can only forgive yourself and realize it will take work to calm the waters, to trust yourself to hold a skipping stone. It will take time to find the calm and face your reflection once more.

Sometimes… its like that… you must climb to the top of the bluff to find forgiveness. It is difficult and steep.  It’s taken a long time to even get here… you’ve stopped a few times (even threw another pebble or two). But you are here now. The top of the bluff is within your reach. When you get there and see your reflection clear from the peace forgiveness brings, bring back the water sports… jump off the bluff on a sunny day, into the glassy water and make a new kind of ripple.

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About Sars

I am the full time rider/conductor of the Bi-Polar Express (2.oh!) Welcome to my ride. Please keep hands and feet inside the pretty pink car at all times, for your safety of course. Rose colored glasses are not only encouraged, but required.

8 Responses to bluffing…

  1. RaeAnn says:

    Hope I can get my inner peace sometimes…and your writing skills!n

    • you gotsars! says:

      Thank you love! I tried to follow but it wouldn’t let me so I must try again. you are a fine writer, keep at it, your voice will come.

      • RaeAnn says:

        Hi sars! Just want to let you know, I posted a gratitude post earlier on, and you’re one of them[there’s only two…:( ] nI would absolutely love that you can check it out, coz that’s the whole point I posted it!nBut I posted my entry for a writing contest on my blog, so the gratitude post is at the bottom of this post.nAnyways, just want to say thank you, in case you can’t get around to read it.nThanks.np/s. I got 2 blogs now, the new one is (http://raeannhasastorytotell.blogspot.com). You can check it out too, if you want.nThanks again.

        • you gotsars! says:

          Wow I feel honored! I will absolutely check out both and get back to you asap. Thank you for commenting as my google subscriptions are acting funny and I am not getting updates in a timely manner.

  2. Socialassassin says:

    You have a real way with words. The more I read of your blog, the more I like. I love the imagery of the ripples – its nice to think that in the calmer times, some of those ripples come from the nearby actions of loved ones and friends and help us keep ourselves in calmer waters.

    • you gotsars! says:

      Thank you sir. Maybe some day I can get to where some of the little ripples on the calm aren’t mine… but for now, there is no question who threw that shit.nnSeriously, the compliment will be cherished.

  3. For a long time, I lived my life by willfully neglecting any major decisions that needed to be made and just sort of…going along with what happened because of my inaction. I was left to clean up the mess of the ripples. When I gathered some balls and forced myself to take my head out of my hands and just do stuff…good, bad, ugly, wrong, right, I found myself going in the direction I was meant to go…toward happiness and forgiveness and strength.