“lost again,
broken and weary
unable to find my way…
tail in hand
dizzy and clearly
unable to just let this go…
I am surrendering
to gravity of the unknown
catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live”
…my words? No, I would love to find a way to put the words I can find here into lyrical standard. Until then I listen to music that reminds me or wakes me or gives me desire or makes me sad because that’s what I feel and damnit, that’s how I feel. Music has always been and remains my solace in those moments. What does that have to do with the price of eggs??? Nothing.
I am in a plane, headed to a family reunion and on my 15th hour of my day. In that 15 hours I’ve had time to think about many things that are happening in my life right now. I have spent more than 50% of my time lately as the ball, possibly 20% as the club and I’m stretching it to get my 30% as the player. This is a step up from the 10% I would have claimed a month ago. What is inside that won’t allow us to let go of that shit that is so heavy that we are stuck. That muck that makes us stagnate into this place of familiarity that keeps us from growth and movement and most importantly; freedom to be happy. I realize this has been my theme this year, but until I get the message… you get the message.
One of these realizations over the last 15 hours is that my death grip on fear is and consequently control is screwing over my happiness big time. The more I surrender to the gravity of the unknown the more happiness has a chance of making its way in. The more I surrender the more I will be caught by truth and life and the beauty that I’ve been blind too. I have some major life decisions that will affect everything that happens in my future that needed making long ago. Fear has kept me from making those decisions. Well sorta, I’ve talked about I should, I might, but never, I am going to, I signed up for, I said no to this person. I’ve kept people at arms length out of fear. I’ve sugar coated feelings out of fear. Why?? Is this helping? No. It’s the gravity of fear. Time to surrender to beauty, to life. It’s a scary place I don’t like. There could be demons in there I don’t want to see but how can I beat them if I don’t beat the shit out of them, right?? Its time to surrender to the gravity of the unknown and choose to live.
Gravity
By A Perfect Circle
