but it should have been… I opted for the slightly less offensive, still tough stance version. I cannot take credit for writing this. I guess if you catch him with chopsticks… he’ll write you funny letters….
If you fuck with my shit, I’ll fuckin sue you. I know people who know fung shui, and your shit is fucked. The couch is bullshit, and your goddamn tree is like 18 feet too far west. Fuck that. I know houses full of dudes who think you’re out of your mind, and will testify against you in kangaroo court. Move your flower pots 14.3 inches northwest, and paint your front door orange for proper Steven Seagal approved Funk Shooeieyyy effect. Affect. Whatever. Fuckin crazy bitch. Also, your dog offends the shit out of me. You’ll learn that. I’d give someone a fiver to drop kick it onto your roof, for better fung balance. I read that on the internet. Dogs on roof=superfung. Werd. You’ll probably try to find another tenant, and I’m going to do you a favor and write your craigslist ad, as follows: For rent: Whole bottom floor of former psychologist’s home. According to the internet, the way you become a “former psychologist” is by sucking at it. Or considering yourself one because you have such odd circuitry in your head that you need to justify yourself by talking to others about what you perceive to be their problems. Partially furnished, access through main door of house, though you must not make any noise, ever. If you are, perhaps, a newt, I request that you wipe your feet even though you may be noiseless. I request that all communication is via telepatheticakatinalism. It’s psychology. Security deposits to be depositededed to Bank of Mars. If interested, please communicate via Pony Express. Free Wireless Internet, I have some old bean cans and a bit of string, if you rub them together quickly you can make 56k.
my version…. meh, still good.
I am leaving your key by noon today, Sunday, April 27, 2008 as requested. As I have complied with all of your requests, I trust there will be no problem in the timely return of:
* Three and one half days rent for April, paid in advance, in the amount of $75.83 ($21.66 per day)
* Credit for my portion of “high speed internet” that was to be included in my rent, as I did not have internet access at all during my tenancy. Though I could see the network, I could not access through your encrypted router.
* My security deposit.
While I realize you are entitled to keep a portion of my security deposit, after providing me with an itemized accounting and receipts, I am sure you will find everything in order.
After I received your email in response to my 30 day notice, I consulted my attorney. Should you feel that there has been a “broken lease”, let me make you aware of the following facts that we may avoid any undue contentions:
* We do not have a lease of any kind in place. We have a signed rental application with attached agreement to sign a lease and give a deposit.
* We had a verbal month to month agreement as of April 6th, the date we sat and talked about your initial concerns that I didn’t understand your “feng shui needs”.
* You initiated a three day move out and I accepted your offer, in writing, thus making it binding. As I had provided you with a customary written 30 day notice, any breech in verbal contract was due to this contract.
Hopefully this will alleviate any unnecessary back and forth discussion.
yeah… fuck yo couch
