I am not a religious person, well, anymore. I used to be the church pastor’s dream member. I attended twice on Sunday, once on Wednesday (leading youth groups), had my own little group and would sing with the band anytime I could. I had a “mentor” to help lead me in becoming a better leader, I started a band for the youth where there was none and to top it all off I did 20 minutes a day of private “devotional time”. The best part… it wasn’t fake. I believed it. I had faith in it. I wasn’t just there so I could look good for my conservative yuppie friends and get a tax write off. I wasn’t trying to impress people or meet some ultimatum set by someone I was dating, I walked my talk. Most of what was me from that time is gone. I encountered what is the poster face for most protestant religions, hypocracy. Apparently I wasn’t the pastor’s dream member. Who I dated was wrong and my tattoos were wrong. So walking the talk didn’t matter it was all facade. Funny, what I believed in then and what I know now are different. What remains is the drive to find what is good in others and the feeling that if you believe it, you should live it. Today as my mind-Pod shuffled around, searching for a song to answer a question, it landed for the briefest moment on a song from that time. How funny that all these years later songs long taken out of the rotation surface and give me cause to a look at what’s up. It was a song you’d catch me singing all the time then. Not for meaning but because it suited me, my voice. I loved to sing. I was forever doing what I could to get myself singing with the Sunday group or Wednesday, stoked when I got to sing my own choice. Not so much like that now. Maybe if I thought I were a little cooler or if I were all that enough to be a bit Maynard and stand to the side of my drummer for an entire show and still be that f-in cool… I might have tried harder to have a band. I am not about putting myself in the center of attention. I will sometimes do the kare-jokey but I sit on the side and let people wonder. When my shuffle skipped itself and stopped here I think it was a good thing. I think it was a reminder of the confidence and drive. I found myself hitting repeat on my mind-pod. The song I hear in my head is by a Christian artist but was written by Shawn Colvin. When I wasn’t looking I stepped into this puddle of funk. It’s a deep sucker too. I lost my grasp on that little girl that shines. She was never perfect but it didn’t matter. I think I’ve left pieces of her along my journey. Every time I allowed someone to hammer at my confidence or use up my energy, they kept some of that little girl. A couple of them got some really big chunks… The ex hub actually walked up to me and took it, I think. And I think theres a new chunk chipped out of there that caught me completely off guard. Non the less… I’m going to find the little girl. I live by the water so it should be easy. If I’m lucky she saw my missing pieces and is keeping them safe, just waiting for me….
Diamond in the Rough
Shawn Colvin – John Leventhal
As a little girl I came down to the water
With a little stone in my hand
It would shimmer and sing
And we knew everything
As a little girl I came down
But in a little while I got steeped in authority
Heaven only knows what went wrong
There is nothing so cruel than
to bury that jewel
When it was mine all along
I’m gonna find it
You’re shining I can see you
You’re smiling that’s enough
I’m holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Every now and then
I can see that I’m getting somewhere
Where I have to go is so deep
I was angry back then and you
know I still am
I have lost too much sleep
But I’m gonna find it
You’re shining I can see you
You’re smiling that’s enough
I’m holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Like a diamond in the rough
In my dreams I go down by the water
With a little girl in my arms
And we shimmer and sing
And we know everything
In my dreams I go down
You’re shining I can see you
You’re smiling that’s enough
I’m holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Like a diamond in the rough
