toes in the water

When you have time to sit down and think about things, and you are already one prone to self analyze, it’s easy to nit-pick yourself to death. To find every fault and flaw that you could possibly find… including a few that aren’t even there. I’m good at working myself into a state of panic over nothing. I constantly question those things which don’t need to be questioned. This wasn’t always the case, but for whatever reason, it’s become so. I think I’ve made it my mission in life to sell myself short of what I’m worth. I settle for almost enough or not quite because I’ve nit-picked myself to certainty that I’m not worthy or good enough for whatever the best is. What caused or causes this I’m not sure… I don’t let my friends and fam do it, so why is it good enough for me?? I will fight for them and with them, but when it comes time for them to fight for me I can’t fight. If it isn’t for someone else, I lose my ability to charge forward for what is good. Maybe I should figure out why. Maybe this is the time for breakthrough in my self-analysis. (side note have you noticed that has the word anal in it… I don’t think that’s a coincidence… it’s a bunch of shit. We do it to ourselves or let others do it for us instead of just doing the work… anyhow) A time where putting it out there means I recognize it is true and I will start the process to fix it. No more hiding behind the need to give and care for others. My shield of protection is pretty but it will crack if I don’t give it a break. I’ve been holding up my shield for long time and I want to put it down… Fill it with cool water and sit back in the pool. I want to lay there in the sun and relax, take a look at things from a fresh place, a new point of view I’ve not had. Take the time to look at what’s been lost and make it work for me. Let my hurt teach me, instead of just using it to teach others… learn that while it’s still okay to love unconditionally and give unselfishly it’s not okay to allow it to be returned with conditions or motives… take the time to find the balance. I won’t find it in this place of uncertainty and I won’t find it in someone else’s pool. I’m not sure where, and it may take a some time to sort out… I need to kick back with a tasty beverage, it’s a nice day and the water is warm. I think I’ll stay in the pool a while…