Monthly Archives: December 2009

As the magic baby approaches with bags of toys and junk that no one needs, and kids want (at least until next week when something better comes along… I am sitting here calm and collected thinking about the wonder of it all. No, they have not upped my dose of zanex and I’m not high or drunk.  I just realize that this world is mine. I don’t need stuff to have it all. I have this tattered and worn piece of cloth that protects me and is better than anything that could be dropped down the (non-existent)chimney. Whatever is in that bag on the jet-powered wonder sled just doesn’t appeal to me… unless it brings my favorite girl to me from the north.  Now those are gifts. A friend you love so deeply it hurts, but can’t be near…. Maybe if I give him some perfume the magic baby can make that happen, though not likely…. So I settle for thoughts that make times past. And leave room for times to come. Friendship is like that.  There may be holes where the moths of time have eaten the cloths, but the weave is strong and covers you when you need it most.  And you thought this was some sort of holiday post… HA!  We need that cloth, that veil of friendship. I don’t know how many times I’ve posted about your friends being everything. That is more evident now than ever in these awful times where there isn’t money for stuff.  We aren’t giving big “tokens” of how we feel (or want people to think we do), we’re actually saying it. We don’t need the impossible jet-sled to pass by our house.  We need our hands to find pen and paper (or keyboard) and eyes to meet and those words that mean so much to form on the lips and breathe the warmth of friendship into the cloth.  The words that remind friends that you care for them and think of them even if you are busy, words that tell them they are beautiful and special and no matter where in the world you are, they will be there too, because no one can take what’s woven into the cloth of our heart

Dear weather chick (for those not keeping up I fired the dude this summer – pay attention, jeziz!),

You may as well pack up all the little bikinis you got this summer to impress the friendlies you picked up at the beach and tell all the hot little boy toys from the college crowd good bye because I’m sending you back to wherever the hell it is you came from.  I distinctly remember having a conversation with you over why the last guy was fired and it being because we live here on the beautiful coast of California. We expect moderate temperatures and beautiful sunny weather most of the year.  Sadly we realize the Fresnecks and Bacos come along with this, but it is a sacrifice we are willing to make for the quality of life and weather we love here.  You have failed miserably by letting your blond roots grow in (I specified red head for a reason) and letting the thermostat drop to a ass chilliling 30 degrees…. bringing frosty and his band of merry rolly-pollies to my town.  What was it I told you…. Skirts! I wear skirts and it is not fun to put on a skirt then walk outside and freeze your already non-existent ass off in 30 degree temperatures. I don’t know who paid you off but rest assured they will pay back in triplicate when I find them.  I have some frost bitten toes and other appendendages that will require creams and massaging…. good thing I’m not part of the fat frizzy hare briggade!

Enjoy your new home in east-jeziz nowhere and the cold that you take with you for the next six months.  I, on the other hand, will be finding Juan-Carlos to do my weather up Cabo style. He will be happy enough to be near me that he won’t fuck up like the rest of you have.

Best of luck little Windy Weather,
Sars

PS, Begging is not becoming and you no you cannot take any of the little poly boys with you to keep warm. And… No you can’t ask my bartenders how to make drinks properly and if you even think about Jameson where you are I will know it and send an ugly, evil, crazy bartender of the daytime to make you all the nasty things he has learned in his tenure just to watch you puke for his own ienjoyment.  Stay Classy, I mean it, because you really aren’t that big of a deal….

I think I have asked for this before (basic human skills), but it isn’t reality. I’m no closer to getting it now than the first time I asked.  Family, friends, school, holidays, work, hustle, bustle……….  Some days its like being on a carousel with evil horses from some horror movie.  You know the big black ones with the flames coming from their nostrils??? You know what I’m talking about (Think Lord of the Rings).  So much keeps happening and keeping it all straight without needing a straight jacket is becoming a chore.  Keeping the bitch-slap hand in check for the ones that forgot to read their manuals is more and more difficult all the time.

I know it isn’t possible but I think somehow, we should be given manuals at different intervals in life.  In your adolescence it would talk about pimples and pubes and bad hair days and personal hygiene and why boys tease the girls they like and why girls ignore the boys they like.  The ones for babies and even little kids exist somewhere (Dr. Spock spread his literary seed well).  They teach all about the diapers and colic and how to talk about the birds and bees, how to be and reveal the mystery of Santa, how to deal with overactive and under-active children. But that’s really where the good manuals end.  We need a updated or revised set.  When you hit teen-dom it would talk about sex and the do’s and don’ts that most parents are too afraid or embarrassed to say.  It would have a section on bullies and how even though they tease you and tell you you suck, it isn’t true.  The teen version would also start the manners and courtesy and communication lessons in life.  That is when you learn real respect, your adolescent and teen years.  Now realistically this is a parent’s job, not a book.  There shouldn’t be a need for a manual but sadly…. there really is.  Too many parents are forgetting to teach the basics.  They are producing mean and ugly humans that turn into mean and ugly adults.

When you become an adult, and I don’t mean a “woo-hoo I’m 18 and can eat ice cream for dinner everyday if I want” adult, but a real adult – the first time you have responsibility and have to pay a bill or get a collection notice because you forgot to pay a bill.  That time when you transition into a human not just a startling.  You are no longer a kid or teen who’s only job is to learn, but you are an adult human being that should have at least an inkling of how to be kind, show respect and courtesy, recognize that we are all different but that is a beautiful thing.  By this point you shouldn’t need a book to learn that words hurt and can cut deeper than knives.  But that isn’t the case.  A whole Britanica style set is needed to teach the basic skills with instructions and answers to the tough questions and reprimands for when you fuck up.  Where are those books? Can I pick them up on Amazon?  Can I put in a special order for people that never got even the first one?  And if people do have them can I unleash the bitch-slap when they forget what they learned?  Much like math, things need to be practiced to be retained.  I think instead of completely boycotting holidays (which is my inclination) I am gonna dole out the manuals.  Reminders that courtesy should be a trait that you don’t think about, but that comes naturally.  I think the reason I have such an aversion to the holidays (or one of the reasons anyway) is the lack of basic human skills.  There are so many humans that forget all the lessons from the basic manuals. They morph just because there is some celebration of a belated August birthday of a kid that most don’t even care about.  The courtesy and kindness and respect go out the window in favor of control and want and gimme, gimme, gimme.  People forget love and humanity. They think only of their list for whomever and whether or not they are going to have to get a gift for so-and-so, because damnit if that doesn’t cut into the me-me time and money.  I realize that many people are not this, they give all year, they care for friends and family and give because its natural.  Maybe I’ll give them a set or two to hand out.  But since this is an unrealistic pipe dream, I can only take care of me.  So no worrying about fat men in suits or magic babies, I’m gonna give out smiles and respect and kindness.  Wait??? Yeah, doing that already.  And now my mindpod is shuffling and I need to catch it before one of those stupid carols gets stuck on play.