you are not in a barn

When I am eating I am acutely aware of the noise I make. Maybe this is just me, but do you not hear yourself when you eat?? Do you not realize that the chomping, smacking, sucking through your teeth, slurping sound you are making can be heard by others – namely me and is really fucking annoying?!?!?!?!? This is probably my biggest pet peeve. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a total noise nazi. If I’m in a restaurant and it’s loud or sitting around with friends watching a game/show/whatever it’s not usually a big thing. But when I’m sitting in my far-too-fucking-quiet-anyway office, where I can hear the cat outside breathing and someone is sucking the bbq coating off the gas station peanuts they got for lunch it’s a bit more than my bat ears can take. Not to mention the chomping of the chips earlier or the smacking while eating whatever the hell it was. It is just not okay!! Couple this with the fact that I’m already on edge because this place is ass-tastic and my day has been super. I am not the most brilliant mind in the county. I accept this. I am however, several bleachers above the peanut gallery and way, way beyond the capacity to which I’m operating. Today I took bulk mail to the post office. It was an amazing task because it took me away from here for a half an hour. But apparently while I am smart enough to remove staples and make copies, collate and sort I am not to the mind reading stage. I didn’t know, without being told I was supposed to copy the form I filled out in advance of taking it to the post office and return it with the blanks filled in. ?!? wtf? Lucky for me I wrote down a grand total (because of that other smart thing that happens without being able to read minds) and got to witness that foot in mouth after chastising someone unnecessarily face. Is it really only Monday? Can I skip ahead to Saturday? Maybe I should use my awesome talents for some other purpose… like stacking shoes at payless. Maybe I’ll go back to coffee and get a job at starbucks. I hate everything they stand for but they offer health insurance and free coffee. I can think of at least one friend who would love me more than he already does because I could perfect his quad shot toffee-nut latte. I’m okay with that… all the love I can get. Or school. I can get a “higher education”. Whatever that means. I’ve never been high but I hear it’s the thing to do there. I can walk the campus with a bunch of kids that are just out of mom and dads house and have no idea what life is really about. Damn I envy those punks. I can start learning about stuff and things and do whatever strikes my fancy in the off hours. If only it were that easy and there was no such thing as bills… but maybe I can forget about that stuff for long enough to just jump head first. Kids can chomp on their cheetos and I can walk away… or better yet, teach them what their parents forgot to. Or not! I can stick in the earphones and blast Tool and not give a shit about any of it. All these options. My day just got a little brighter and suddenly quieter.